Is Perfectionism Really So Bad? (If You Have to Ask, You Might Be a Perfectionist)

Editor’s note: When the going gets tough, it’s difficult not to feel discouraged and lose motivation. One quality that helps us regain confidence and try again — even when faced with an obstacle — is having resilience. Over the next few months, Headway writers will be covering topics to help you conquer the enemies of resilience. This month, we’ll be featuring Perfectionism.

Perfectionism and I first became acquainted during my freshman year in college. After living my entire life in New Mexico, I enrolled at a small liberal arts college in Massachusetts, only to find out I didn’t fit in as planned.

When I showed up to the dorm, my New England classmates didn’t quite know what to make of my Southwestern sense of style — cowboy boots and Pendleton blanket vests and all. When one student pointed at me and said to her friend, while laughing, “Maybe she’s from Arizona!” I felt like I might as well have been from Mars.

Fashion aside, my classmates also seemed light years ahead of me in terms of sophistication. They were witty and urbane, sarcastic and sure of themselves — or at least that’s how it seemed to me.

Determined to fit in, rather than spend the year feeling like a country mouse, I took it upon myself to prove that I belonged.

To me, fitting in meant becoming perfect in every aspect of my life — most notably, my academics. I retreated from the world, foregoing parties and anything else that might detract from my goal of utter control and perfection.

Academically, I excelled, and on the surface everything seemed to be going well. Yet eventually, the cost of perfectionism began outweigh the benefits. Feeling like I could never quite measure up, I became increasingly depressed and anxious, a brittle shell of my former gregarious self. Over time, it became clear that my approach wasn’t sustainable.

I came to see that, in order to be functional and happy, I had to deal with the reality that ample imperfection is a part of life. This meant abandoning impossible ideals about what my life, my body, my grades, and my relationships should look like, and instead doing the hard work of coming to accept myself.

Perfectionism is Flawed

We’ve all probably heard that perfectionism isn’t a good thing, but most high-achievers question why they should relinquish their high standards and lower the bar for success. Being a perfectionist has always seemed to work for them, so why stop now? But dig a little deeper and the ugly underbelly of perfectionism starts to emerge.

Although there’s no one definition of perfectionism, most researchers agree that perfectionists have impossibly high standards which they’re never able to reach.

Findings from numerous studies suggest that perfectionists are at increased risk for a range of psychological issues associated with depression and anxiety, including suicide, eating disorders and insomnia.

This relationship between perfectionism, depression and anxiety can be exemplified through a vicious but all-too-common cycle: Perfectionists feel anxious that they won’t live up to their impossibly high standards, and when this inevitably happens (since, by definition, perfection is impossible to attain), they experience a crash in self-esteem and a depression in mood.

If you’ve ever experienced this pattern, you know first-hand that perfectionism can feel like a trap — an exhausting cycle without an obvious exit, since victory never materializes and satisfaction never comes.

Beat Back Perfectionism with Mindfulness

To overcome my own perfectionistic cycle, I had to become aware of what I was thinking and feeling, instead of operating on autopilot. Though we never called it that at the time, through working with a therapist, I learned to practice mindfulness, or the act of slowing down enough to notice, without judgment, what is happening in the body and mind. Those bodily cues that it was time to shut the books and get some shuteye or eat a nutritious meal couldn’t be overlooked; they were bright indicators that would show me what to do, if only I would pay attention.

Even today, I use mindfulness to help me notice perfectionistic thoughts when they creep back in, thoughts like:

“Am I doing a good enough job at work? Are my children doing too many activities or too few? I should probably start taking piano / Spanish / painting lessons since clearly I’m not doing enough.”

I can now recognize these thoughts for what they are: worn-out tendencies that don’t serve me and never did.

Even though mindfulness is often associated with meditation and yoga — and these are great ways to practice — there are simpler ways that you can learn to be mindful.

Here’s one quick exercise that helps me bring my thoughts back to the present when perfectionism is getting the best of me.

Mindful Breathing & Relaxation

A quick, internal body scan is an effective way to slow down and become aware of what you’re experiencing. To try this yourself, start by finding a quiet place to sit and closing your eyes.

Focus on one part of your body at a time, such as your arms, and then move on to another part, like your shoulders and then your neck. As you focus on individual body parts, ask yourself:

Is there tension?

Do I feel relaxed?

Is my mind calm and peaceful or (more likely) flitting from one topic to another?

When your mind wanders, as it invariably will, bring your attention back to your breathing. And instead of becoming self-critical or feeling discouraged, try to adopt a stance of being curious and observant. You don’t have to be perfect at being mindful to reap the benefits; slowing down and becoming aware of your own experience can do wonders. And, like a muscle, the more you practice mindfulness, the stronger you’ll get.

Though painful, that deep dive into perfectionism during my college years taught me a lot about the value of tolerating imperfection and asking for help when I need it. It taught me that, instead of plowing ahead at all costs, being reflective and observant is often a much more useful strategy. And, though I wouldn’t have thought it possible, slowing down actually helps me get more done.

Now that I’m not focused on attaining impossible outcomes, I’m able to work on what matters most: learning from mistakes and bouncing back from hard times. As I see it, what’s important isn’t that our lives are perfect and free from struggle, but that we are resilient — aware of our imperfection, accepting of life’s challenges and fierce in our determination to push onward anyway.

Want to learn more about how to manage perfectionism and become more resilient? Check back next week.

Dr. Dana Udall is the Head of Psychology at Ginger.io, a provider of around-the-clock access to emotional support and guidance from a team of coaches, therapists and psychiatrists — all through a mobile app. Dana lives in Boulder, CO, and loves exploring the west with her husband, children and dog, Hammie. Follow her on Medium here.